Having been a teen during the sexual revolution, having raised teens in the advent of AIDS, and having worked with teens in a variety of programs, there is important information and values around sex and relationships that are rarely discussed.  They go beyond the technical information about sex most teens are given and they are more helpful than the foreboding ‘don’t do it until you’re married’  end-of-discussion way in which sex was discussed with me. 

Some of the answers to these questions took me a long time to figure out and some I’m still working on.  I do think that teens need to be allowed to ask questions and know that their questions will be answered.  We also need to encourage their critical thinking skills about sex and relationships and so many other important issues. Such dialogue will go a long way in helping teens figure their way through the sexual maze.  Parents should be the people who discuss this with their children.

I recently did a series of parenting workshops at the Suffolk County House of Corrections. One of the young women in the class asked me what a healthy relationship was.  That got me to thinking about the sorts of questions I had as a teen and young woman and about questions I've heard other teens and young women ask in workshops and gatherings.

Here are my questions. 

• What is a healthy relationship? 
• Can a boy/girl like you and not love you?
• If you have sex does that mean you automatically have a relationship?
  
• What is love?
• How will you know you’re in love?
• Can someone love you and not have sex with you?
• Can you love someone and not have sex with them?
• Can someone have sex with you and not love you?
  
• How will I know when I’m ready to have sex?
• Is sex necessary for a fulfilling/intimate relationship?
• Is everybody having sex but me?
• Are people having sex as much as they say they are?
• How do you know someone respects you?
• How can I tell if someone is using birth control?
  
• I don’t want to lose my relationship but I don’t want to have sex, what should I do?
• Why do people talk about girls who have sex differently than they talk about boys who have sex?
• What about privacy and sex?
• Should you tell your best friend about your sex life?
• Should you put information out in the world about your sexual feelings?  (On social networking sites, etc.)

• No one has tried to have sex with me – is something wrong with me?
• I don’t want to have sex, is something wrong with me?
• I think about sex all the time, why?  What does it mean?
• Why do people act like boys are the only pushy ones around sex?
• What is virginity?
• Are there degrees of virginity?
• Are there degrees of sex?
• How does it feel to have sex the first time?
• What’s great about sex?
• What’s horrible about sex?

• When did you first have sex? (a question for a parent)
• Do you have any regrets about your first time?
• Do you still have a relationship with the person you had sex with for the first time?
• With so many marriages ending in divorce, why would anyone get married?
• How can I make the decision about when I'm ready to be sexually active?

I don't think this list is complete by any means but I think it is a good start.  Imagine having this kind of honest and direct conversation with a teen.  It is a hard conversation to have but it is very necessary.  There are lots of books that are helpful to have on hand as resources like What's Happening to My Body: Book for Girls; What's Happening to My Body: Book for Boys and the seminal, Our Bodies, Ourselves.  Local health clinics also have informational pamphlets available for free.

Sexuality is wired in our beings and instead of so many of us keeping our heads in the sand about this important and wonderful part of life, we need to begin and continue to dialogue about it with our sons and daughters.